I hate having to do this to you. You know I really, really do.
I have no choice, though. Everything changes. Not all stays the same. I wish it could, but we all know the truth.
It’s been over a year. I remember those good old days, when I started to get to know him – and later had grown closer with him. I was aware that I’d been a new kid in your circle of friends back then. He was the one who had invited me in.
It’s hard to explain. A lot had happened last year, and along the way after that. If you ask me, I’ll always remember those good, old days of our (once) very close friendship. So will he. (I believe that’s for sure, even if he’s never told me that.) We never forget how much you’d helped us in the past. If you think of us as ungrateful, then you’ve never really known us at all.
I remember having told you about this other best friend I have online. I did something terrible in the past, which had hurt him so badly that he refused to speak to me for a couple of months. I’d apologized and – thankfully – he’d forgiven me. (I don’t know why I deserved that, but I’m glad he did.)
After that, we’re still on speaking terms – although probably not as frequently as we used to be. Perhaps it’s true; some things (have got to) change. Sometimes it’s much better that way.
Our brotherly best friend and I have already forgiven you, don’t worry. Let the past stay in the past, shall we? You’ve got to find a way to move on, somehow. I don’t want to keep on digging the same old grave, just to re-examine what had actually gone wrong back then. Please. I don’t have the time nor the energy for that.
I need to be happy.
November 8 was the last time we met. We didn’t talk to each other directly that much that night, unlike we used to. We did talk to him and other girls during dinner at that place, though.
Before you left to fetch for a cab, you briefly hugged me as you whispered in my ear:
“I know what’s been going on with you, so that’s why I chose not to say much.”
Then you left. What did you expect from me? I shrugged. I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing.
The next day after his flight back home, it was obvious that you didn’t want to see me. He’d left something for you too and you simply told me that I could have it. You’d been busy, you told me.
Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything about this and I surely never will. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Maybe you’re right about this: I’m always so protective of him. Why? He’s done the same for me too, many times. He understands me so well, often a lot more than my own flesh and blood. He doesn’t scold me like I’m a stupid kid – or judge me when we disagree on something. He never calls me a ‘cry-baby’ when I cry. We may argue, but we still keep it between us. We don’t involve other people when it comes to this, not expecting anyone to take sides on either of us. Ugh.
And name-calling only works in middle-school. Come on, we’re in our thirties now. That wicked game is ancient.
I’ve never asked him to talk to only me and leave all of you girls out in the dark. You of all people should know that. That’s always been his own, personal choice. I’m the woman of my word. He’d asked me to keep quiet about Mr.QL. Why? I don’t know. Maybe he trusts me, that’s all.
You can’t be mad at me for that. You can’t even be bitter for being the last to know. You’re the one who wanted him to get off of your back, remember? You’d complained about how needy and demanding he was with you last year.
Well, he’s simply granted your wish. What else do you want now?
You often tease me about my closeness with him. Yeah, it’s true. I do love him so much. He’s my brotherly best friend who has done a lot for me, without wanting to receive any credit or expecting public aknowledgment for that. I don’t see why that should be your problem, when that’s not even your business.
Come on, this sounds as if we’re fighting over a guy’s special attention. We both know he’s gay, so this has made me laugh even harder. How funny!
Seriously, are you (still) that lonely and unhappy? Perhaps it’s sad but true. You once told me you still felt insecure, especially since your ex-hub had left you for another woman and some girl at work had backstabbed you. You convinced us that you’d already moved on, but we all know it’s not true. You keep going on and on about her whenever you have the chance. It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve urged you to move on and just let it go. You’re free now, from the guy who had mistreated and hurt you so bad – and that girl is just a cow. Karma works and you know that too.
Still, that doesn’t stop you. You get angry when we appear bored – or even annoyed – whenever you mention her name with such hatred. You think we’re not being good and sympathetic enough friends. You think we don’t care.
Well, sister – you’ve got it all wrong as always. We care a lot about you more than you know (or would like to believe.)
We’re just tired of the same old arguments. You’ve always snapped at us whenever we expressed any disagreements. In this case, silence is indeed golden.
That’s why I’ve also chosen to stay quiet to whatever sarcasm you’ve thrown at me about ‘him and I’. I don’t need to respond to that. (If you claimed that as ‘just a joke’, then I’d consider that the most unnecessary and useless kind. Come on, who are you fooling here?) I don’t need to respond to that. You may believe whatever you like about me. I mean, you like it when you’re being right about everyone and everything. Why would I ruin your ‘fun’ by proving otherwise?
Like I’ve said earlier, I hate doing this to you. I really, really do.
However, everything’s changed. Who knows? Perhaps these are just the days when we’re better off separated, going on our own different paths. I remember those spiteful words you’d spat out at me out of our many disagreements. You said you’d had no choice, but I didn’t think so.
You’ve always had choices, but you chose to do that anyway. Many times that has happened until your apology has become meaningless. Don’t say that you did that for my own good. You did that only because your ego was bruised. You see, not everything in this life is about you. Other people have different choices too. Why did you always have to take it personally?
I’m sorry. If you happen to read this somewhere and know it’s about you and from me, you can get angry. You may hate me again all you like, just like when you believe that people are always out to get you. I need to be happy too, and you haven’t made this any easier.
Will we stay friends? Hopefully, someday we may get to see each other again in better days. Right now, I need to focus more on my life – and I imagine it’s best that you do the same too. I hope you’ll get to find your true happiness soon. You know I still mean that.