I didn’t celebrate Vesak, but I was glad for the public holiday on May 15. You see, that’s the advantage of living in my country. Whatever your religion is (or even if you’re a closeted agnostic or atheist), everyone gets a fair share of all religious public holidays. YAY!

Not only glad, I was also relieved. Work has been stressful lately. I hate it.

Should I stay or should I go? That question still lingers in my head, over and over. Not only haunting, but it’s also quite disturbing.

If they fire me, then I won’t have to make that final decision by myself. Like I’ve said, they’ll be setting me free – doing me a huge favour. I’ll just have to start moving to the next steps forward like a calculative chess player (well, eventhough I never play chess all my life.)

What if they still want me to stay? That’s a good question. Do I still want to, after all they’ve done to me? After all those mixed messages and blame games they keep on playing when something falls?

No. Enough is enough. I may sound snobbish about this, but I deserve to be happy too.

Well, no one from the HR team turned up last Friday – so that should be a relief, right? But then again, I’ve already lost the will. My heart’s no longer in it.

That’s why I’ve started looking for other opportunities out there. (This is not the end of my world.) Hazel Eyes is right; this job is unhealthy for me. I can’t work well under continuous scrutiny. I won’t be happy.

In fact, I’m already very, very unhappy.

Oh, well. We’ll see…

So, anyway – let’s go back to last Thursday…

Ma had wanted to spend overnight with me in the central of the city (in my cramped, rented room – but she said it was okay). However, at the last minute she cancelled out of her exhaustion. (Poor Mommy.) Nessa had also wanted to see a horror movie with me somewhere, but she also cancelled the plan. No problem. I didn’t feel like going anywhere that day, so I just hung around Setiabudi One all day with my laptop – working and writing. I had my super brunch at Imperial again – linguine with salmon, fresh zucchini, and onion rings. Good time for me. I ordered coffee at Starbucks, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. (I rarely do so, due to the fact that it’s madly expensive. I only go there when I need the decent wi-fi connection, hehe.)

While I was there, I crossed path with Tony B. He’d been waiting for his friends, because they wanted to watch the new remake of “Godzilla”.

He said I could come back to the school full week, if they really wanted to fire me – or if I couldn’t take the pressure anymore. I’d wanted to cry when I heard him say that, but managed to hold it back somehow. Stay strong, I silently ordered myself, watching his back as we parted. He’s not your father. Yours is already dead…

Poor Josh is losing his daughter Kaysia. She’s been taken away from him by his ex-wife and new husband. So far, all I can do is spread the sad news online and help him find legal facts regarding the custody law in this country…

Last Friday, I hung out with ‘Goddess M’ and Tya in Plaza Indonesia. ‘Goddess M’  offered me a freelance, content-writing job and I simply accepted it – just in case.

So, they’re not firing me. (Yet?) I don’t know why, but I still feel empty. Hazel Eyes’ tarot card ‘reading’ discovered a reversed Queen of Swords for me – and Niko said I should get the hell out of there a.s.a.p., because he was also ‘sensing’ my ‘dying energy’. So far, I’ve asked Angie from another company to help me. I still hope I know what I’m doing and it’s the right thing. I hope there are no hassles getting in the way.

Do I sound like a quitter and coward to you – or am I just being more realistic? For me, more money doesn’t matter much – if I get sick and tired easily…and I’m far from feeling happy…

Most of all, I miss writing what I really, really love – but I live in the real world where earning more from fiction is largely based on luck instead of actual skills and intelligence…

Should I stay or should I go?



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