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Against my will
I caught your presence
Time stood still
breeding a new conscience

Against my will
These eyes stopped blinking
The heart in for the thrill
The existence of a foreign sensation

Against my will
hypnotized by the sound of your voice
hexed by your smile
abandoning all reasons and choices

Do me a favour
Break your spell
so I can run for cover
instead of gazing at you
completely against my will



Mommy, I’m scared
We’ve talked about this before
briefly, but I was still being straight
to the point that worries you more
Mommy, I’m still scared
I still can’t tell the difference
between a monster and a real man
but they say I should take the chance
I can see your disappointment
‘though it remains unspoken
I bet you’re tired of their questions
about me they consider stubborn
and just plain ignorant
I don’t expect them to understand
‘though I wish they’d keep quiet more often
and just listen
before passing me any judgment
as if they had the entitlement
Mommy, I’m scared
I know what you want from me
all you hope that I’ll be
but it’s not that easy
I have seen reality
so dark, love feels like fantasy
I know you want me to be happy
but hey, single doesn’t always mean I’m lonely
I’m afraid of so many things
Mommy, I’m not kidding
You’ve heard bits about the last one
and no, I’m not repeating the same damn thing
many thanks to guys like him
I’m not a rest-stop
or some past-time tale for his future hook-ups
Thank God, I’ve never let him get that far
His selfish, shady ways will never make him my shining star
I don’t fear the possibility of marriage
but they say every outspoken wife is a bitch
How come?
What about husbands who keep treating their wives like shit?
Those who turn their women into merely emotional and physical punching bags?
I don’t want a husband
who’ll turn me into someone unpleasant
I don’t want them to only preach
about how I should be more patient
with him
as they turn their backs on me,
feigning ignorance
giving into this sickening, Culture of Silence
I don’t want the father of my children
to hurt our boys so badly
by calling them faggots and cry-babies
only because they too shed their tears
which is always considered weak and “girly”
I don’t want him to hurt our girls
by treating them like mere objects
locking them, limiting their steps
refusing to let them decide their own fates
I’m so sorry, Mommy
I can face any god-forsaken street thugs bravely
but I don’t just open my heart to any guy out there, you see?
That would be another story
I’m still scared
Too bad
I’m also too much of a coward
because I can’t say all of this to your face
I’m still fighting this fear
even when I’m all alone here
Perhaps someday I’ll banish this successfully
In the meantime,
just bear with me
and believe that I’ll be okay,
I’m sorry…


Perhaps you secretly wish I’d talk to you

the way I used to

like I fear silently

whether you’ll really listen to me

or just give me some more scrutiny


But what should we talk about?

Once again, this heart is full of doubts

It’s been like ages since we were without

rare moments like this

another short, temporary bliss

before reality takes another swish


Must it be the same thing again,

something mundane,

harmless as we conceal our pain?

Not everyone makes a great pretender here

My brutal honesty is the monster you fear,

while the real beast has always been crystal-clear


In the end,

the same old song still keeps on on the same old dance,

living bodies in a room of silence…




She’s been dismissed
considered a freak and overly sensitive
‘though she believes
something’s got to give
She’s been heartbroken
fooled by promises then abandoned
but it has taught her to remain independent
‘though it’s sometimes okay to reach out to others
willing to help her
to become better
She’s been taken for granted
left feeling jaded
with piles of debt
but hey, nothing can hold her back
They can do what they like
she’ll put up her best fight
again and again, with all her might
All in all,
she’s made a promise to herself
despite all the crashes
and how she has to burn
she must always rise again
like Phoenix from ashes…


Let’s be honest
You’re aching for a paradise
not this wretched world
where we all stand on this dying earth
Let’s be honest
Your souls have been restless
Your faith’s always tested
but there are times you’re just jaded
Let’s be honest
when you choose to meddle in personal businesses
the shady affairs of others
just to make yourselves feel more superior
Come on,
let’s just open up
and get it over with
Empty slogans
like your empty pockets
You’re only motivated by greed
For once in our very short lives
please, just be honest
Would you wish to spend the rest of eternity
checking out other people’s morality?
I don’t blame you
if it’s for money
Perhaps you’re just hungry
but don’t you dare tell me
you’re holier-than-thou
Be honest
even if it’s not always the best
It’s still a policy
even when you’d rather pretend
as anyone can be…
(Jakarta, 23/5/2017 – 9:00 am)

“FACT OR FICTION? (Yours Truly, The Hoax Creator(s))”

Fiction sells better these days
It keeps you guessing anyway
It depends on how well we craft
and if you happen to be pretty daft
For us, it’s entertainment
We also receive huge payment
while you’re eager to find the facts,
even when the codes are hard to crack
Fact or fiction?
Keep on arguing
We’ll just sit back and enjoy the view
as you keep on fighting to insist on what’s ‘true’
We’ll make fiction believable
even when it causes more trouble
What do we care?
Who says life is always fair?
The fact is, we still get royally paid
It doesn’t matter that we spread so much hate
You never have to like what we do
but hey, don’t you want our money too?
Yours truly,
The Hoax Creator(s))


Through my eyes I can see
you, overcome by agony
There’s your wall of misery
such a painful sight as can be
but the other side of you
has given me that smile, so serene
I wonder where you have been
and why that smile always kills my rage within
Still, you’re overwhelmed by agony
and I find myself standing outside your door
too afraid of moving forward
because I haven’t got the cure
Will you still let me in,
even if I show up
completely empty-handed?